structure & flow.

Allow me to reintroduce myself.  My name is SATE (yes, all caps).  On any given day or moment, I am a howler, warrior or fool and I like to address the folks who have been supporting me on my wild adventurous journey the same way.    

It’s been a long ass while since I’ve done this, but I felt compelled. There was a time when I did a lot of blogging.  It was a different time in my life.  I mean, we all go through phases, I guess, and I’m learning to allow the phases to wash over me, move through me, almost treating life like a meditation where things happen; observe and not get caught up in the permanence of things. 

I have a tendency – I’m finding as I allow myself to know my Self more – to crave structure.  This one looooves a challenge.  Like, The Artist’s Way or 75 Hard.  Things that give me clear directives and structure to my daily life are actually very fucking exciting.  Problem is, I want to maintain it for my entire life and when I’m not able to, I torpedo myself into guilt and disappointment. This cycle has been on repeat for, um shit, too damn long.  I know, I knooooow. I’m now grateful for the awareness that it has never proved to be sustainable for me, especially in my creating-song singing-acting-being blown by the wind butterfly-freelancing-self employed living self.   

But, what’s a fool to do?  I truly, madly, deeply love me some structure, and yet my nature is needing the freedom to flow.  I feel like I’ve always operated this way, but I’m suddenly hyper aware of this inner dialogue.  Here I am in this Pisces season, feeling the need to flow, but with Saturn currently in Pisces, I’m feeling a tug of war between the desire for structure, or dare I say, a container for my flow.  I was talking to my sister about this, she put it like, allowing the energy of Saturn to provide structure to support my flow, rather than contain or restrict it.  THAT, gave me a different perspective and permission to exhale. It’s all making complete sense.  

I feel like my pendulum swings through all possibilities, not side to side, but in a circle. So, perhaps my desire to balance between structure and flow is about inviting grace in to being human.