Who’d have thought that this year would unfold as it’s been unfolding. In my world, it’s been a steady diet of purging what’s just not working for me, shutting out the world to dance with my shadow, reading a shit ton of books, listening to Abraham-Hicks, learning Photoshop and deepening my practice with the Tarot.
Yeah, I know, there’s no mention of music in there. My relationship with music has been a changing and challenging relationship — and maybe the reality is, I am having a hard time with the industry of music and how/whether I want to participate.
Ready? Here we go.
Last last year, this time, I think I’d gotten last mixes on my newest album – that has yet to come out – entitled, The Fool . I was playing them around to different ‘key people’ in the industry aka gatekeepers and, aside from one or two enthusiasts, I was getting the same fucking response. The old, I don’t hear a hit or they’re cool and so on and so forth. Walking in with a concept to go with the music and loving up the songs — like, I felt that these would be the songs that would have me sharing stages with all the huge killer rock bands that I love. After being met with overall lukewarm reception, my bruised ego started rattling my confidence and put me face to face with the possibility that, maybe there was something was missing. Sooo I stopped listening to the music and admittedly, got a little depressed. Second guessing myself is a forte of mine, then add being an artist to the mix — there you have a double fortified with second-guesser. Bah, second-guessing also know as, people pleasing. Fucking shit. So now, here I am at this crossroads and I just wanted to trash shit — I envisioned a cinematically dramatic slow mo trashing temper tantrum (you can see it, right?) — I might have unresolved anger…maybe peut etre. Fast forward to mid/late 2019 – beginning of 2020, I open up the vault. Music is my life. Expression is my life. Creativity is my life. I wouldn’t be doing anything else BUT being an artist and I had to walk away to remind myself of who I am. I started writing again, and reimagining the existing songs. Listening to my emotions, my intuition, for no ulterior motive BUT to move ME. Easing on down the road towards really, truly, madly not giving any fucks. It’s a fucking process, a journey. I know that I come off like I’m there, but, I’m not. As I said, I’m easing on down the road and tapping into my inner lion. It’s a mindfuck to truly embrace your talk and walk that shit, unapologetically. Like really. Cause, I’m not like anyone else, never been, but somewhere along the way I invested in the lie that who I am was not enough. And that how I express, doesn’t fit the model for success or some bullshit. Or in order to fit into the world that I naturally express from, that it had to sound a certain way. This is the thing, I express rock from my blues and jazz foundation. And I’ve spent so long trying to fit in or apologize or fight for my voice to be heard and validated, that I’m almost unsure of what my voice sounds like. But what I’ve always known, is how I want music to make me feel, how I want it to move me. That’s my foundation as well, I have got to be moved. Sooo baby steps, or Hermit walking in the dark, with a lantern and a walking stick, moving only as far as the light illuminates — that’s where I am. I’m re-learning/remembering how to trust myself — especially in this world. I feel like we’re all doing this crazy, intense shedding/peeling back layers to return to Self. As I dive deeper, shed my layers of protection and share more of my self and process, you’ll learn from me, that everything is connected — Spirit, Self & Art.
Welcome Warriors and Weirdos, to the state of SATE and my quest, my Fool’s journey to embody my truth, at all times, unapologetically. Like nothing else, because it comes through me, and I’m a different chick. Just like one of my Queen Betty Davis sings, “That’s why, they say I’m different and that’s why they think I’m strange.”
light, love, dirty rock & spirit guides,